How do you want to live
your life?
Inspiration,
Role model…
Experience…
Lesson…
Does it fit you? Is this
you?
Do you live by the “idea”
or you live by “you”?
Couple of years a go, I
believe I was 19, I was on the table having session with one of a doctor in
Bumi sehat, a birthing clinic where I used to work for 3-4 years. She’s one of
the many volunteer who worked there.
She asked me, “Picture
when the last time you were happy, go back to that age”.
Immediately I went to
Yasmin when she was 5 years old, the happiest time of my life. I will not
bragging about my past, my past is my past, it had had happen and I am in the
present time now, it is what it is and you cant manipulate time to take you
back where you’ve been, where you were and what you wished to happen, we are
here now, in the moment, nothing you can do expect to learn to surrender and
accept your life of what it is, and if you are still not happy, well it’s your
job to change it and live the way you want it.
My past is not the best
past ever, but it was the best lesson, I wouldn’t change it, and I wouldn’t ask
for a better past, I wouldn’t be smiling and laughing than I is now. I’ve made
my peace with it, and I am grateful.
I still remember when she
said, “ Now go to the place where you think you’ll be happy.”
In that moment, I picture
myself standing by the river - by myself: I cant recognize the place, but I
remember what age I would be happy, the age has arrived “25”, my favorite
number. But it doesn’t meant I wasn’t happy along the way, I was and I am, but
that age/number meant a lot to me, I want to be 25 for as long as I remember,
and I don’t know why. But after all this time, I do understand why. But only, I
lost my whole childhood, I cant remember being a child, or being a teenager, my
mind was so focus to be 25 someday, something is waiting for me and now all
make sense, it does make sense. It was a gift, a gift from my mother, my mother
earth. And finally I stopped running, I finally stopped and able to take my
breath, deep long breath, filled my precious lungs with oxygen, and feel it
come slowly massaging my lungs, my heart and my whole body, and it feels good,
real good. Oh life, I know you’ll be kind to me, and we can walk side my side
now, I don’t need to chase you and you don’t need to tease me.
Lets hold hand, and walk
barefoot….
It was challenging, it was hard, but one thing I can be proud of myself,
I never stop things coming to me, I never run away, I never try to be anyone
else but me, I was dancing through life, wherever it leads me, wherever it
takes me, I was just dancing and dancing and dancing, I can say I am pretty
blessed, ONCE I decided, I AM NOT A VICTIM, and I am not a survivor, I’m just
living, living life and live to the fullest. I just want to be beautiful,
beautiful person, beautiful being, and I want to make everything beautiful, for
me and for everyone. Nothing else!
What you want, what I want, what everyone wants is the same; we all want
to be happy. Happiness…
Choose happiness!?
But I never choose before,
I don’t know if I ever given the choice to choose, everything was given to me,
whether I ask for it or not, I never given the time to ask: what, why, where,
when, how. Everything were being shuffled in my mouth, I wasn’t given the time to
chew, to swallow, I chocked many times, but I did get the time to cry, I cry
when the night comes, I cry in my sleeps and I feel better.
Have I wished being
rescue? I can’t remember, did I ask for my parents? I did ask for my mom, did I
ask for god? I don’t think so, I was mad at god, I was mad at my parents, I was
mad with the world, did I find a safe place? Thank to my imagination, I did.
Inside a book I read so many books, its my escape, I hide behind the character,
inside a story, pretend that I am the actress, I am the character then I have
my whole world, my whole imagination, and it’s mine. I know no one will hurt me
there, because I am the role, I play my role, real good.
And I prayed: please don’t
take that away from me.
You can take my parents,
my life, my best friends away from me, but not my imagination.
Today I can smile, with peace in my heart, that is all worth it. The
journey and the process all worth it and I couldn’t do it without you, all the beautiful
people in my life, and I couldn’t ask more, it’s perfect!
Now, I can say with proud:
I can choose, I can decide, after all this is my life, life that given to me,
even though we have to play ball till I get it, but I was persistent, I didn’t
give up, I play the game real good and honest and not to forget it was fun, it
was fun game.
Go back to being 25, which
I am now. Am I happy? I am all along, was I content? No, I wasn’t, am I today?
Big time Yes! I am, I am content I am full, and I am happy.
Being reunited with
yourself, found yourself and find what you are here for, they were the biggest
challenge for me, but all worth it, it helps me shaped my life and made me who
I am today. I know how I want to live my life, I know who I want to be, and I know
who I am. And I keep on dancing, this time I dance gracefully and I can dance
beautifully.
Nothing can make you happy except yourself, no one know better except
yourself, maybe you need a little hint to help you be happy from love ones, above
all, you are the only one who know what you want, but only when you are NOT
distracted with the world, or consumed by the world. Your heart knows the
truth, only when we listen to it, only when we let it open, not closed.
I have lost my father, couple of months ago, the man who half raised me,
who stayed with me, even though he never been a father to me, but he did till I
was 5, he was a great father till he suffered from his own mistake, we did had
a beautiful 4 years relationship. I grieved and I hoped I was a better daughter
to him, I hoped I forgive him a long time ago, but one thing I hold in my heart
and my life, our last farewell, I saw him smile with peace in his cold body
then I know and I believe that he was a happy man, he was happy. I wish I had
been there to hold his hands, but we did forgave each other, we did had that
relationship for 4 years before he died, that we were father and daughter, and
he was my father, my beloved father and I loved him very much and he is safe
now among the stars in the sky, and every time I miss him, I can just look up
and I know he is shining up there smiling at me, ah you foolish girl, I’m still
here for you, I heard him say, then I smile back, yes papa.
My mom called me once in a while, trying to crawl back into my life
after 21 years of absence, she is the woman who gave birth to me I am grateful
for that, but can she be a mother to me? I have so many mothers already; I
don’t think I need her. She can always be a woman who gave birth to Yasmin, she
can be a mother to her new family, they need her more than me, after all I am
doing good without her, I did needed her in my hard times growing up, but not
today, not tomorrow, not till I die. But my door is always open for her, I have
space for her, but she will never take her “mother” place in my life because
she left it a long time ago, when she quit being my mother and for my siblings.
I remembered I was 3 years old.
I wouldn’t have thought to choose my spiritual journey among other crazy
things I’ve done in my life, but I guess it’s the right path for me to keep me
sane and it helps me get the map of my life and helped me find my way back to
myself. It’s been crazy trips and crazy process and alas, here I am one whole
person instead of being pieces scattered across the universe.
25 is for me, coz it finally arrived just for me, the present from life
for me, a gift from mother earth, I can laugh right now wondering, was the package
stuck in the cloud on the way here? Ha…ha…ha, and mother said, “oh no dear,
just like your dad always do, when you’ve done your home work then come the
present.” Aha, got it!
The world in my head is like…. 
