How do you want to live your life?
Does it fit you? Is this you?
Do you live by the “idea” or you live by “you”?
Couple of years a go, I believe I was 19, I was on the table having session with one of a doctor in Bumi sehat, a birthing clinic where I used to work for 3-4 years. She’s one of the many volunteer who worked there.
She asked me, “Picture when the last time you were happy, go back to that age”.
Immediately I went to Yasmin when she was 5 years old, the happiest time of my life. I will not bragging about my past, my past is my past, it had had happen and I am in the present time now, it is what it is and you cant manipulate time to take you back where you’ve been, where you were and what you wished to happen, we are here now, in the moment, nothing you can do expect to learn to surrender and accept your life of what it is, and if you are still not happy, well it’s your job to change it and live the way you want it.
My past is not the best past ever, but it was the best lesson, I wouldn’t change it, and I wouldn’t ask for a better past, I wouldn’t be smiling and laughing than I is now. I’ve made my peace with it, and I am grateful.
I still remember when she said, “ Now go to the place where you think you’ll be happy.”
In that moment, I picture myself standing by the river - by myself: I cant recognize the place, but I remember what age I would be happy, the age has arrived “25”, my favorite number. But it doesn’t meant I wasn’t happy along the way, I was and I am, but that age/number meant a lot to me, I want to be 25 for as long as I remember, and I don’t know why. But after all this time, I do understand why. But only, I lost my whole childhood, I cant remember being a child, or being a teenager, my mind was so focus to be 25 someday, something is waiting for me and now all make sense, it does make sense. It was a gift, a gift from my mother, my mother earth. And finally I stopped running, I finally stopped and able to take my breath, deep long breath, filled my precious lungs with oxygen, and feel it come slowly massaging my lungs, my heart and my whole body, and it feels good, real good. Oh life, I know you’ll be kind to me, and we can walk side my side now, I don’t need to chase you and you don’t need to tease me.
Lets hold hand, and walk barefoot….
It was challenging, it was hard, but one thing I can be proud of myself, I never stop things coming to me, I never run away, I never try to be anyone else but me, I was dancing through life, wherever it leads me, wherever it takes me, I was just dancing and dancing and dancing, I can say I am pretty blessed, ONCE I decided, I AM NOT A VICTIM, and I am not a survivor, I’m just living, living life and live to the fullest. I just want to be beautiful, beautiful person, beautiful being, and I want to make everything beautiful, for me and for everyone. Nothing else!
What you want, what I want, what everyone wants is the same; we all want to be happy. Happiness…
But I never choose before, I don’t know if I ever given the choice to choose, everything was given to me, whether I ask for it or not, I never given the time to ask: what, why, where, when, how. Everything were being shuffled in my mouth, I wasn’t given the time to chew, to swallow, I chocked many times, but I did get the time to cry, I cry when the night comes, I cry in my sleeps and I feel better.
Have I wished being rescue? I can’t remember, did I ask for my parents? I did ask for my mom, did I ask for god? I don’t think so, I was mad at god, I was mad at my parents, I was mad with the world, did I find a safe place? Thank to my imagination, I did. Inside a book I read so many books, its my escape, I hide behind the character, inside a story, pretend that I am the actress, I am the character then I have my whole world, my whole imagination, and it’s mine. I know no one will hurt me there, because I am the role, I play my role, real good.
And I prayed: please don’t take that away from me.
You can take my parents, my life, my best friends away from me, but not my imagination.
Today I can smile, with peace in my heart, that is all worth it. The journey and the process all worth it and I couldn’t do it without you, all the beautiful people in my life, and I couldn’t ask more, it’s perfect!
Now, I can say with proud: I can choose, I can decide, after all this is my life, life that given to me, even though we have to play ball till I get it, but I was persistent, I didn’t give up, I play the game real good and honest and not to forget it was fun, it was fun game.
Go back to being 25, which I am now. Am I happy? I am all along, was I content? No, I wasn’t, am I today? Big time Yes! I am, I am content I am full, and I am happy.
Being reunited with yourself, found yourself and find what you are here for, they were the biggest challenge for me, but all worth it, it helps me shaped my life and made me who I am today. I know how I want to live my life, I know who I want to be, and I know who I am. And I keep on dancing, this time I dance gracefully and I can dance beautifully.
Nothing can make you happy except yourself, no one know better except yourself, maybe you need a little hint to help you be happy from love ones, above all, you are the only one who know what you want, but only when you are NOT distracted with the world, or consumed by the world. Your heart knows the truth, only when we listen to it, only when we let it open, not closed.
I have lost my father, couple of months ago, the man who half raised me, who stayed with me, even though he never been a father to me, but he did till I was 5, he was a great father till he suffered from his own mistake, we did had a beautiful 4 years relationship. I grieved and I hoped I was a better daughter to him, I hoped I forgive him a long time ago, but one thing I hold in my heart and my life, our last farewell, I saw him smile with peace in his cold body then I know and I believe that he was a happy man, he was happy. I wish I had been there to hold his hands, but we did forgave each other, we did had that relationship for 4 years before he died, that we were father and daughter, and he was my father, my beloved father and I loved him very much and he is safe now among the stars in the sky, and every time I miss him, I can just look up and I know he is shining up there smiling at me, ah you foolish girl, I’m still here for you, I heard him say, then I smile back, yes papa.
My mom called me once in a while, trying to crawl back into my life after 21 years of absence, she is the woman who gave birth to me I am grateful for that, but can she be a mother to me? I have so many mothers already; I don’t think I need her. She can always be a woman who gave birth to Yasmin, she can be a mother to her new family, they need her more than me, after all I am doing good without her, I did needed her in my hard times growing up, but not today, not tomorrow, not till I die. But my door is always open for her, I have space for her, but she will never take her “mother” place in my life because she left it a long time ago, when she quit being my mother and for my siblings. I remembered I was 3 years old.
I wouldn’t have thought to choose my spiritual journey among other crazy things I’ve done in my life, but I guess it’s the right path for me to keep me sane and it helps me get the map of my life and helped me find my way back to myself. It’s been crazy trips and crazy process and alas, here I am one whole person instead of being pieces scattered across the universe.
25 is for me, coz it finally arrived just for me, the present from life for me, a gift from mother earth, I can laugh right now wondering, was the package stuck in the cloud on the way here? Ha…ha…ha, and mother said, “oh no dear, just like your dad always do, when you’ve done your home work then come the present.” Aha, got it!